Diary Post

I have to put some words to what I'm dealing with...so be warned this ain't light & fluffy. I'm just letting my fingers type what my mind and heart are saying....it's moments like this I wish blogger had a "diary" feature where I could just record things for me, without necessarily sharing them with the world (not that I don't appreciate the support and comfort and laughs I get from blogger). So, this is one of those diary posts....really ment for just me, but shared with the world.

So, it's official (at least according to my physical therapist) that the last injection didn't work...and I've just gotta vent a little.

This leads me to being a lot of things...
MAD - mad that my body isn't healing like it should.
SAD - sad that I can't do the things I want to do at the moment.
ANGRY - angry that I've done everything the doctor's have said and it hasn't worked.
DEPRESSED - depressed that I'm not living the life I want to at the moment.
SCARED - scared of what the next steps may be...
DISAPPOINTED - disappointed that I'm not making forward movement on a couple of things that are becoming increasingly important to me....like getting in shape.

I NEVER would have guessed when I went to the doctor on May 5th that I'd still be hurting so bad two months later (and about 3 months total). My days are spent walking around hooked up to a TENS unit. Lots of time with ice on my back. Restless/sleepless nights because of waking up when my pain meds wear off in the middle of the night.


Puttin' into words what's going on...
I'm dealing with spinal stenosis (most likely genetic...), moderate spinal arthritis, 3 bulging disk (1 not so bad, the other two with small tears), extremely painful sciatica and my facet joints are much smaller than they are supposed to be. I've now had 3 epidural steroid injections, 1 directly in the spinal canal and 2 facet injections. What I'm not doing - googling everything to find out what it means and reading tons of message boards. I think that'll just scare me worse and my doctor is doing a really good job of explaining and sharing information.

God only knows what He's trying to teach me through this experience. I know there is a lesson here somewhere....I'm struggling to remember that He is in control and that He knows where this will lead....

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Oh Lord, you are my rock and salvation. Help me remember that You know the results of any and all challenges and difficulties I may be facing before I ever encounter them. You give me obstacles to learn to lean on You more readily and to trust more deeply. Please blanket me in the comfort of your Holy Spirit during this time.

I pray that you give the doctors knowledge to know the best course of action to take. Lord, I ask you for patience in this, and all things. You are the ultimate physician and healer. Please allow this, and all things, to work for Your glory and according to Your will.

In Jesus' name I pray...amen.